In Which It's My Own Fault I Haven't Realized My Dreams

So here's the thing: Growing up is really hard.

You leave high school around 17-18, then (if you're lucky) you go to college, where you get to feign independence for a few years, and then you're unceremoniously spit out into the real world where you actually have to be independent, and in all that time, no one ever manages to teach you how to be a real adult.

And yet somehow, you're still supposed to figure it out. Because at 21, you are an adult, even though you don't yet feel like it, with all the rights and responsibilities that that allows, and you're expected to act like it. And you know what? One year out of graduation, I can confirm that it is not in fact as simple as it seems.

But the thing is, it doesn't matter.

I've been back home for almost a year now, nowhere near where I had hoped to be at this stage in my life. I'm not in NY, I don't work at a magazine, I'm not interning for a photographer. I'm not doing what I said I'd be doing. I feel like I'm in a rut, but if I'm honest with myself, it's a rut I created myself.

Am I happy about that? Not even a little bit. But in the last month or so, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life, and where it's going, and how I can take more responsibility for defining my own destiny.

And here's the thing: I'm not where I want to be, because I'm not putting in the work to get there.

I have all these aspirations, and these grand things that I want to accomplish, but what am I actually doing to get closer to those goals? Because as entertaining as Netflix is, I don't think it's going to get me to New York. It's not going to get my pictures on the covers of fashion magazines. It's just not. the life I want isn't just going to fall into my lap.

So it's about time I get off my ass.

It doesn't mean that I'm not realistic about my choices. Sheer force of will isn't going to make my dreams materialize in front of me. I am not any part Hal Jordan. There will be difficulties, and challenges, and hardships, and roadblocks, but successful people find ways around those things. There are steps I can take, and plans I can make. I can make the things I love a priority, and get myself back on a track that leads to the places I want to be in life. I may not have been born with a silver spoon in my mouth, but I have had the benefit of a place to live, a family to help me, and a college education. That's way more than millions of people EVER get. Really now, I have no excuse.

And so, I made a plan.

It's a 3-5 year plan of incremental steps I can take to slowly creep closer to where I want to be. It won't be easy, and I'm pretty sure some of the things I've set out as goals for myself are just plain impractical, but it's a framework. It's a direction. It's a plan.

Because I want to see my photographs on the covers of major fashion magazines. I want to be a person who helps define a visual language of beauty. I want to create stunning, captivating images that I can share with the world.

That's what I want. That's my goal. And no one is just going to give that to me.

So it's time I buckle down, get back to what's important to me, and start doing things to prove I deserve it.